There are certain days where I feel like I could crouch in the corner and weep from pure frustration and exhaustion. Nobody said having kids was easy, but I never pictured raising 2 kids, 2 years apart, 12 hours away from where my family and friends lived.
We intentionally conceived our first child knowing we lived far from family. I was sad that they couldn’t be a part of my pregnancy and birth (and relieved in other ways) but I didn’t really expect that I would need anyone. Since I had wanted a family for as long as I remembered I had an idealized version of what having children would be like. Even as I imagined the “hardships” of infants- the late night crying, the nasty diapers, the food messes- I never thought I would be bothered by them. I accepted them as part of the package and assumed I would roll with the punches.
I was either naive, or in denial of my own nature. I need way more sleep than I thought I did, I can’t stand when food or drink is thrown on the floor (it makes me stabby), but at least I didn’t mind the diapers.
There were some really low points with my first child. I didn’t have Post-Partum Depression but I was exhausted. I assumed babies cried a lot at night but I didn’t expect crawlers, walkers, and talkers to wake multiple times at night.
Many days I found myself nodding off while my son played, but when he finally napped there were so many things to be done around the house that I couldn’t nap with him. My disgust with a dirty house compelled me to clean rather than rest. Then when my husband got home I would want to spend time with him.
I wished for that relative down the street who could come over and watch my son for me so I could catch up on my sleep, or clean my house, or just get some non child time.
And now I have the two. One is reaching their “terrible twos” and challenges me on a multiple time a day, daily basis. He won’t eat, he is starting to hit others, he screams and thrashes when his demands aren’t met, and he is peeing on my floor.
Yesterday I was almost reduced to tears. My toddler threw a block and hit his younger brother, then bit him. He refused to eat lunch. He peed on the floor twice even though he has had so much success with potty learning. And on top of it all I was a walking zombie from lack of sleep since my youngest woke a record number of times the previous night. My husband would be working until 6 but I needed a break right then. I had no one to call for help, and I would feel bad just calling a family member to complain. So instead I begged my husband to be home on time and told him what happened.
“Why do you always complain?” He replied.
And I do. I rarely have a “great” day. The winter doldrums and stir craziness have hit full force. Leaving the house in frigid weather, in the snow, isn’t realistic with the 2 kids. They were also sick for months and we were truly quarantined. No play dates, no My Gym, nothing that involved other children. I could have shot my face off.
Not having the support of family and friends has been far tougher than I ever imagined. I get irrationally jealous when I see others who live near family and have regular opportunities for the kids to hang out with their grandparents while they go shopping or get a pedicure or meet friends for coffee without children. I pay a sitter for 4 hours a week in order to get work done.
In case you are wondering, my husband is in the picture but he works all week, often late. By the time he gets home it is time for dinner, baths, bed. Then all I have energy for is a TV show and it is my bedtime. Glamorous huh?
I have given up hope of moving back to our hometown, it just isn’t going to happen. It is depressing but at least I have come to terms with it. And don’t get me wrong, I love my kids to death. When things are good they are amazing. I can’t believe they are mine and I get to keep them. But there are some days when I really wish I could give them away, just for a few hours… any takers?
Side note: I am aware things could be far worse in my life. I try to keep it in perspective, I really do. I also have mad respect for single and military moms, especially when hubby goes away for work. Enjoy this video my hubby sent me.
Mama I so feel your pain! I have surrounded myself with friends around us – we built our own village! Some days I go to church just so I can drop the kids off for an hour! Mama mia! The two’s have hit hard in our house and instead of a baby to add to the mix I have a whiny, attitude little 8 yr old boy to add to it. Always talking back to me…or making me laugh! I’d say it get’s better but it doesn’t…just different! These are the days you turn on cartoons and lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes and yell on Twitter! Good luck!!
That’s the thing about being an atheist, no church 😉 But I have joined a
MOMS group. Since it is winter things are slow and when the kids are sick
we can’t go. I am high hopes for Spring!
Kim, I could have written this post!! I have 2 kids, 21 months apart, and my baby just turned ONE on Sunday! It has been an incredibly tough year. I have been diagnosed with PPD, and we also have no family around. I also have that jealousy when I hear friends that have local family and RELIEF! My husband’s work hours are crazy weird and right now he is looking for a new full time job, so there is that added stress.
Are you sure you don’t have PPD? Have you taken a screener?
I feel for you 100%. With time, it does get better. But I have found that by the time things are getting easier, (now for me), my baby boy is no longer in the cuddling stage, he wants to be on the go and exploring! So in some ways, I wish for those crazy days of pure exhaustion to come back. But some days I feel like I missed out of so much because of my PPD and my exhaustion.
Anyway, I’ll be praying for you.
Don’t you wish hubby’s could stay home with us? I hate money. lol
you are a really good mom. I am constantly amazed by your positude. My mom just moved here in September, before that I was in your position and it is really hard.
I totally understand. We chose to live in Hawaii (can’t get any further than that in the US right?), and now that we had our first child we started to realize the same things.
I’d love to see you rethink your athieism. I have so experenced God’s help in parenting, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that HE is REAL. I have an amazing family at my church who all pitch in to help on another. When my third baby was born in October, we had hot meals brought to our house every night for over a month from people in our church. I’ll be praying for God to show himself to you….I think He’s what you need right now.
I was lucky to have meals delivered from my MOMS group. Villages can come from all types of places and all kinds of people. I don’t have a close knit group but there are some people to turn to.
Your words brought tears to my eyes… 3,000 miles from ‘home’ with 2 kids is so much harder than I ever could have expected. My baby is about to turn 1 tomorrow, and my oldest will turn 3 next month. I am taking the distance from family very hard… it is the little things you don’t realize you will miss until they are gone. the grocery shopping without screaming/crying/flailing arms, the coffee with a friend, the shower without little arms poking around the curtain . My hubby is in the Marine corps and work 65+ hours a week, and just doesn’t understand why I keep saying I need a break. It is nice to feel i’m not alone, yet makes me sad to hear you are having to go through this as well!
Seems like lots of moms are going through the same as us. The military mamas have it rough and I do remind myself of this often. My Mother-in-law had it far worse than me while her husband was at war and stationed other places. Though she did have family nearby when she was in Germany. Still, I know it had to be hard!
We will make it!
I can completely empathize with you. Although we live very close to family (and I have tons of help), my husband works nights and has to sleep the majority of the day. So for the most part, I am a single mom except on weekends. My house is never clean (and this drives me insane) and my toddler, who is almost three hasn’t napped since little brother made his grand entrance a year ago. Lots of days I go around in zombie-mode because Thing 2 has been up half the night. And now they are both sick and aren’t sleeping much at all because of all the coughing. I never realized how easy one kid was… Until I had two.
We all have those kind of bad days! Potty training is on my top list of disliked (*hated* actually) parenting duties. I can’t relate to the away from family part, but for 5 days a week all I get with my kids is dinner, bath & bedtime – that sucks. Every mom needs a little break now and then. You should schedule a “you” afternoon on a weekend where your husband watches the kids and you do whatever you like for several hours and try to schedule that on a regular basis.
I did the same thing with the cleaning choice instead of sleeping – no one else was going to do it. There are times when my house looks like a tornado hit yet I was rested and there were times that I cleaned and I was super grumpy tired – it was like a cycle.
You’re awesome and you just made my day!!
We too chose to have kids far far away from our families. And then we moved half way across the country. Still far far away from family. And now Husband is gone almost 12 hours a day and right now has work to do at home after putting Monkey (just turned two) down. Oh and I am pregnant and got sick, sick and sick again after the pregnancy nausea and exhaustion finally went away.
So I have been working hard at building my village. Church is a component, as is the great Moms Meetup group in my area. I love having co-workers who also get peed on and never get to close the bathroom door. The Y and their childcare (free with membership) provides some sane grownup time and something to do in winter. We started preschool there the day after Monkey’s second birthday and I just sent him off there in a carpooling with a Mom’s group friend. I will pay her back by watching her new baby and giving her that free time. Another friend from the group will watch my son if the new baby comes before my Mum does. Still I envy people who have their parents over or the kids over at their parents a few times a week. I would have giving a great deal to have my Mum come when I was sick and take care of me and the boy.
Some days it works great, some days I give up, crash on the couch and put VeggieTales in. My mother lead a similar life. Sometimes she locked herself in the bathroom, sometimes she met my dad in the driveway when he got home from work. I think we all live here to some extent, and I am glad to see more talking about it.
Mama, hang in! We ALL feel that way! And kick hubby for me, will ya? I’ll kick mine, just for the sake of it 🙂
I know how you feel, only I have 7 kids, and I live in this butt cold narrow minded town where 6 months out of the year is winter. We have no neighbors so my kids have no one to play with- hubby works 12 hour days, and comes home, eats, goes to bed (he gets up at 3AM) birthdays, baby blessings, baptisms, we never have family- well, family is coming for like 2 days for our babies blessing, 2 days because they hate this town to- it’s hard, being a mom is hard- it’s rewarding- but it sure isn’t easy! Oh and I just read the comment about your athiesm, well, my church is all i have out here- honestly, if I need help, that’s who I have to call- and they brought me meals for 1.5 weeks, that was a lifesaver- and when I am ready to tear everyone’s heads off, I play church music to bring peace into the home- it helps- good luck
Oh my. I don’t know you (happened to your blog from another friend’s blog), but I definitely have a vague understanding of what you are going through. I only have one child right now, but I also have a husband who works late almost every day (and I work also). I had no idea how hard this was going to be, and I definitely feel jealous when I see our relatives who stayed close to family. They are able to just drop the kids off with the grandparents whenever they need a break or a “date night” or just time to run some errands. We don’t ever seem to get a break. I was as sick as a dog this weekend with a stomach virus…and there was no relief. No relief from my illness or my poor child who was cranky because she is teething again. I don’t know what to say to help you…just know that you aren’t alone in this. I’m sure we can do this. I really am.
Aw, Kim, I know exactly what it feels like to be overwhelmed – and it sucks so bad. As you know, we have a whole lot of help. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t days where I don’t feel like I’m failing miserably at all of this. Tuesdays are THE WORST. My husband is gone before I get up and doesn’t get home until nearly midnight because of working all day and sitting in class all night, which means if the kids are in one of their moods, I’m alone to deal with it all day by myself. I *could* call my mother-in-law to help, but I don’t because she’s already here on her “designated” days and I don’t like to impose. My husband understands exactly why I complain because he knows his kids, and he KNOWS how hard they can be just from the limited time he gets to spend with them. Parenting little is NOT easy! (unless you have easy ones, in which case I’M the jealous one!)
Before we moved, I was a part of a Meetup group where I met all my bestest mom friends. They became my village in a lot of ways too (like after I had Jules, they all brought over meals and made sure we were taken care of.) They formed a babysitting co-op and we all traded services. They got me out of the house on days that I thought I might lose it.
If you’re able to get connected to a great Meetup.com moms group in your area, you could start to build yourself a little village. It’s not family, but it could be the next best thing.
Big hugs, and go easy on yourself. If you ever want to complain, you know where to find me!
I’m glad your hubby gets it! Mine often says “Well, you wanted kids…”
And rest assured, these kids ain’t easy! You can find me bouncing the cranky 4 month old on the yoga ball 5 hours a day…
I definitely wasn’t singling you out for having help, I know of many friends and family who have the luxury of dropping the kids off at Memaw’s and they go out for a nice mini vaca. In some cases, they abuse the privilege.
I am a member of a MOMS club, I tried a “young moms” on Meet-up but it was unorganized so I never got into it.
And ditto, you can bitch about your insane life and kids on Twitter to me as well. 🙂 Thanks!
You’re so right about meetup.com! After 14mos of complete isolation (I live in the country and work from home AND I’m a single parent), I joined meetup and found 2 different mommy groups in my area. I’m going to our first meetup tomorrow and I’m excited, we’re going to a local dairy farm and the kids can take a hay ride and feed baby cows. Best part is, I get to talk to other adults!
Thank you for writing this! I feel the exact same way – and I only have one child. I think what bothers me the most is that all of my friends have family members they can leave their children with and don’t understand why I can’t just drop everything for a shopping trip or a night out.
Yes! Shopping is impossible. I dread when we get low on food. I refuse to take both kids to the store so usually my husband goes after work. It is good and bad. I don’t have to shlep the kids out but I have to be with them alone an extra hour longer (or more) for that day. No winners there!
I long for a chance to just “run to the store” without it entailing a 1 hour prep and it taking an extra hour longer with the kids.
Oh man! I know exactly what you are talking about. “winter depression” has hit an all time high this year for me. Being away from family just plain stinks. I have realized that my house will never be perfect, the dishes will have to wait, sleep will eventually come and someday I’ll vacation in hawaii as a reward for all my hard work! 😉 you can come with.
Not to fear, It does get better though. soon your eldest will be able to get himself ready, fix breakfast, help the others and you will “sleep” in on the weekends with your hubby. Right when things are all nice and you are settling into a good routine, you’ll add the next one! that what we did, what were we thinking?!
Hang in there. It is gonna be alright.
I think hubby would kill me if we added another! I see a silver lining and I try to tell him that one day we will be glad we had them close together 😉
Hey, if you lived anywhere near me, I’d help out 😛
I’ve been a single mom working 2 jobs from home for the last 14 months, and it has NOT been easy. At least if you work out of the house and your child is at daycare, you don’t have to worry about trying to work while nursing, getting interrupted on business calls because your toddler pooped on the floor etc. Finally after 14 long months, my aunt moved all the way from Arizona to be here for us. She’s been here for about a week, and the difference its made is huge. Having someone to remove my toddler from my pant legs while I’m cooking, someone to sit and play megablocks for 2 minutes so I can actually use the bathroom without a little monster trying to climb into the toilet… just having one other person around has been life changing.
I just want to say, that you’re not alone. Although I have one set of Grandparents about 20 minutes away (and they babysit regularly –3x last week!) and another set only 2 hours away, it is still VERY hard. I have no car, so Mon-Friday I cannot leave the house for playdate, library, zoo or aquarium fun. I cannot take my son ANYWHERE without getting up at 6 am to take my hubs to work–which pretty much guarantees we’ll have a bad day, since it throws the baby’s schedule off so badly!
Being pregnant with #2 has me literally exhausted & I often feel like a bad mommy for plopping him in front of Barney w/ a bowl of “chippies” (veggie straws), just to get 5 minutes of computer time!
I hope the weather warms up soon & you can get out of doors. Our weather is already getting nice (southeast Virginia) and getting out to play or ride the bike to the park has been a TRUE blessing! The natural light & vitamin D have done wonders for my mood & energy!
Hugs!
I do crave Vitamin D!
After reading the comments, does your hubby ever keep the kids (both of them) so you can leave the house? It might be hard if your nursing the littlest (or even both) but would it be possible for DH to keep them for a half an hour or an hour on the weekend just so you could run out. (Even if all you do it get some groceries!) I have been able to leave DS with DH since he was about 4 months old, if I timed it perfectly & didn’t go far from home.
Yes I do run to the store now and then. I just hate missing out on time together as a family for the sake of having alone time. He doesnt have a lot of spare time so I hate to do that too often
I could have written this. My family is 1.5 hours away. I’m getting a rare visit today, and my hubby and I are heading to the ‘city’ for a doctor’s visit, and dinner out. We got 2 dinners out last year (we had to drive round trip 3 hours for them, not to mention driving to the restaurant. At least they were ‘free’ sittings, but still. We got zero the first year our daughter was alive. My mom came down so we could sign the papers on our house without our 18 month old causing problems…so in our child’s 2.25 years of life I’ve had appx. 9 hours away from her (with my husband). I’ve probably had less than that many hours additional away from her alone. Luckily my parents are now both retired, so perhaps we’ll get some more ‘visits’… it’d be nice if it was offered from time to time instead of having to ask… but oh well!
Sometimes sharing this stuff helps… I’m so sorry you’re going through it though! My parents recently moved out of state and I’m in the same boat as you – a 2-year-old and a one-month-old and nobody to give me a break when I need it. I’m disgusted with my house too and frustrated when my 2-year-old doesn’t let me nap (why is she suddenly deciding NOT to nap after napping so well for so long?). Potty training is looming ahead in my future, I need to get to it but am dreading it and still so tired.
Getting used to TWO children is going to take some time, I think. We need to have mercy on ourselves, this is a BIG job. We don’t have to have it all together right away, and we certainly won’t in the first year. I say just do your best, take your naps when they nap (forget the house!) and … eat chocolate. LOL
If you ever need to talk or just vent, feel free to email me! 🙂
Lindsey
hah… I should screen cap my tweet about taking my day out on a bag og pretzel M&M’s. lol
oh, my someone else who is addicted to those…..love them! I used to have a secret stash, till I decided I needed to get those prego pounds off
I bought them to reward Fletcher for pottying. I usually don’t keep
anything that easy to eat around, and now I know why.
Well this is a Great post. I actually want my Husband to read this because he says that I am always crabby when he gets home. I like you try real hard all day and i have 3 children. My youngest is 4 Months and My 2 Son turns 2 on the 28. Plus I have a Kindergartner who brings home lots of homework. Some of my family lives nearby, but are so overwhelmed with 3 kids that almost never offer to help. Hang in there.. I also am waiting for spring and Summer walks 🙂
Well this is a Great post. I actually want my Husband to read this because he says that I am always crabby when he gets home. I like you try real hard all day and i have 3 children. My youngest is 4 Months and My 2 Son turns 2 on the 28. Plus I have a Kindergartner who brings home lots of homework. Some of my family lives nearby, but are so overwhelmed with 3 kids that almost never offer to help. Hang in there.. I also am waiting for spring and Summer walks 🙂
husbands just never realize how hard it is or how much you do as a stay at home mom…
i feel your pain with the relatives though. matt’s family live 2 hours from us but my family lives all the way in maine (we live in iowa now)… sometimes i wish i had relatives to just babysit once in a while but we dont have that luxury.
and i see a face like fletcher’s VERY often in my almost 2 year old. he is going through the same issues.. sage fights me on so much so often and gets SO loud in his reaction that i end up with a bad headache..
I pretty much wrote this in my LiveJournal (read: internet diary for the lazy) about an hour ago, when all I could do to get my child (2 in two weeks, holy crap) to stop screaming at me was to let him sit in our bedroom watching Shaun the Sheep.
Still in the bedroom right now, actually.
We have family 45 minutes away, but they have lives, and I can’t expect them to drop what they’re doing because I’m trying to clean the kitchen and would like to have one day where I can get all my work done before 3AM.
And shit, I only have one. So I’ve got no advice, but I do sympathize.
Livejournal still exists?! (just kidding!) In day to day life, 45 minutes may as well be 12 hours, but visits are a tad easier! Thanks and I hope you get a break too!
LOL, yeah, though it’s not the same as it was in 2004.
Agreed; they’re close enough that we can visit once a month or so, and it allows us to get out for things like our anniversary, but it’s not really viable for those last minute, “Please come take this thing before I lock him in the closet,” days. That said, I’ll take the relief we can get!
Kudos to you Kim, for your honesty! I can completely relate to this post. Raising children is a lot of work and doing it away from family like you and I can make it even harder. My toddler and preschooler are 18.5 months apart and there were (and are still) many trying days. Thank goodness for the magical moments of them kissing each other’s owies to take away all the frustration of the frequent fighting and crying 🙂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Big hugs! I totally feel for you and reading this just made me want to run over and take your kiddos for a couple hours and give you some mama time 🙂
It was as if you reached into my brain and wrote this for me! I feel the exact same way with 2-year-old twins and family 500-1000 miles in either direction. Its hell on earth some days! So my heart is with you <3
I feel like most of us Mom’s know the feeling of being overwhelmed by motherly responsibilities topped with house work and other things. Cheer Up 🙂 You’re not alone! Maybe have the babysitter a few extra hrs a week, and dedicate those hours to “you” time. We all know that “happy” mommies are much better at what they do! B complex helps a bunch too, helps give you that good “ahh” feeling like “life is good” even when the kids aren’t cooperating.
“my husband is in the picture but he works all week, often late. By then time he gets home it is time for dinner, baths, bed. Then all I have energy for is a TV show and it is my bedtime.”
This describes us to a tee. Mine are 1.5 and 3.5. I have been where you are. It only gets more and more interesting! I just had to pause in writing this to clean up not one, but TWO cups of (thankfully watered down) juice that got spilled in my living. room.
I am a zombie mom today for sure. Even the lure of driving my new car is not enough to encourage me to get my butt out of the house and get the groceries. And I don’t have that family close by either. And I want to stab, no kick, no – maybe stab, the hubs almost daily for his “OMG I’m so tired from snowboarding I can’t possibly put the wash in the dryer for you” attitude.
Hugs and mamasolidarity. We will survive!!
wow, sounds like my life…(sort of) but add one (4, 2, 2month old)……I just went back to work….it is tough…hence the plan to move back to my hometown.
It does take a village and know that this is the right and best choice for my family. I understand that others don’t have that choice. Hang in there…….it does get better 🙂
I’m in a similar boat. Let’s see – live in CA with family in FL and IL, DS is 2 and DD is 5 months and only one car so I’m homebound most of the time. Some days seem like never ending tantrums with my son and other days he behaves so well and the baby takes great naps. My DH does help with cooking and grocery runs so for that I am very grateful. Just try leaving the kids with your hubby for a few hours and I can be he’ll being singing a different tune! I left DH alone for a couple of hours while I got a hair cut (first in 1.5yrs). When I got back he told me he didn’t know how I got anything done with the two of them by myself. It is hard, but you do what you have to do and you’re doing a great job! I really enjoy reading your posts, they are part of my “mommy time”.
Hey Kim I know EXACTLY what you mean I have definitely shared those jealous looks at the “moms with help” as I call them and put out that desperate plea to the husband who btw is completely out of sick and vaca time b/c I make him use it all to help me… I am expecting #2 in May and #1 is 15 mos. Nearest family is 4 hours away and works so can’t come often anyway. Certainly no one for the “I just need a couple of hours please someone please God” moments. BUT that being said here is what I am learning… we ALL need a village, we were meant to have one and having gotten away from them is NOT good for our sanity or society. So if you don’t have one, BUILD IT! THats what I am currently learning how to do, and I just started a blog about it- literally it is about building your own village- I loved your post and if you are looking for some sympathy and perhaps some encouragement and ideas check out my bog at: http://oneprayingmommy.blogspot.com
Good luck!
Wow so many other moms all posting the same thing, I KNEW I wasn’t the only one who felt like this. Please other village-less, help-needed, sleep-deprived mamas: Lets work together to build ourselves a village- I am trying to do just that just started a FB page and blog about village building and i hate to hijack your page here but feel like maybe a lot of these other moms can benefit too you ca find me on FB as villagebuilding-one praying mommy’s blog or on blogspot: http://oneprayingmommy.blogspot.com Lets figure this out and build our villages!
Alright sorry to post so many comments I tried to click on the contact the author link but nothing happened and I don’t know how to twitter so here I am spamming you 😉
I just realized you are the author of ALL of the posts I have read and loved and shared on DDL, wow I feel like I know you, and now with this post I REALLY know you ha ha! Seriously though if you have time (yeah right) I’d love if you can email/facebook/blog comment back. You are doing part of what I want to do successfully- blogging and I might be getting some of these surviving without a village things down enough to share a little with you. I wouldn’t presume but this is EXACTLY why I started my blog- to connect other moms without villages and help us each to build one. THanks for your time and know that you are an inspiration to many and what you are doing for your family is WONDERFUL (even when it doesn’t feel even a tiny bit wonderful).
-Miranda aka One Praying Mommy
(mandminitaly@gmail.com) posted blog address and FB page previously
I will look into your links! I still need to build a local village but I love having the support I feel online!
Totally understand…I live in LA with my fam in DC! I always wish my mom could move just so I could have some time to myself. Hang in there!!!
oh, mama. i hear you.
and here’s the thing: you’re a good mom because you realize it can totally suck to be a mama and yet! you soldier on.
hang in there, they’ll be sleeping all day long and never showering before you know it.
So hear your pain! We all need a village. I have been contemplating writing an essay about how we’ve lost our tribe and how devastating it is to our culture in so many ways – from child rearing to even just taking care of our own parents too. Tribe is the natural state for raising humans… not the nuclear family. I have felt how you’ve felt the same way many many many days. Hang in there. I’ve even had those “why do you complain so much” arguments with my guy too. No one “gets it” unless they’re doing it.
Yeah I either need a sister wife or two or I need to move to The Farm lol
Admittedly, I’m a bit late commenting here… but I’ve had a busy day. It wasn’t for lack of concern or caring. I read this before I had to start the hustle and bustle, and I have been thinking about it all day. I think it is important for these feelings to be shared because they show that even the most connected parents some times hit bumps in the road. And it’s not your kids. And it’s not you. The conflict that you have is the symptom of a problem with lack of resources. When you’re raising kids with little outside recharging, you are constantly working to keep your battery from being drained. It may not be the village that you needed to give you a break from the strains of mommyness, but it seems like you have a great community of support here. How awesome! Some times, just knowing that you’re not the only one who has felt tempted to Craigslist your kids helps. And definitely letting other moms know about these feelings helps not just you, but other women, too. Imagine the isolation moms feel when they think they are the only ones not happy to be in the throws of motherhood all the time.
I think there is also something to be said about choosing to be the sole care taker for your kids. We have three kids; I homeschool and generally have my children with me 24/7. I love it! My husband has been deployed for the last six months… and I have to say, I have never felt as trapped by motherhood! Before, if I needed to get out for a walk, I just waited until he came home and then went. Then add the sickness (yeah, we have also been under quarantine) and cold weather, I feel like a POW in my own house!
It helps me to think of this as a swim in the ocean. When a big wave comes in, some times it’s just best to give in and let it take you under. The energy that you save from fighting will get you back to the surface.
Also, my grandparents had a rotary phone for ages, and I did indeed despise dialing numbers with zeros.
Thank you for sharing. 🙂
After the catharsis of writing this post, and the overwhelming support I received, I definitely felt so much better. It looks like my village is online!
My grandparents also had a rotary and I still remember how it feels to dial my old home number 6366633. No area codes back then 😉
I feel ya! All of my immediate family moved away to Florida years ago. Thank God my husband’s parents are a half hour away. They work all week but when they are free on weekends it is so nice to be able to leave our little guy with them. Until he can talk well I’ll be very weary of leaving him with someone we don’t know well.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I love how honest and up front you are about it. I could never understand the sugar coating some moms put on motherhood. It’s a tough job, and sometimes you need to vent. Keep up the awesome work!
I would take your kids off your hands for a few hours but its something I do for our friends. I tell them all the time, you need a break, just let me know. But then again it is something strange to say coming from me to you when I’m the one who recognized you at the mall play place from your blog.
Hah Hi!
I usually never comment on blog posts but this it felt like this was posted by me. I so hear you.
I grew up in Northern Europe. My American husband and I lived there for a couple of years before we decided to move back to the US so that my husband could finish with school. The same day as we moved here I got pregnant. As a one car family I wasn’t never really able to go anywhere to meet people. Then came our son and guess how much time I have know to go and meet people?
First of all, my husband goes to college full-time and works nights. He normally leaves around 8-9am, comes back for 10 minutes at 16:30 and leaves for work. That’s our average schedule, 5 days a week. Because of the schedule he has the car all the time. I cannot go anywhere and we’re limited to stay at home or around the neighborhood. My husband’s family lives here in town but hasn’t been much of a help. Nobody ever comes to see us, grandma who lives a 5-minute drive away comes to see us once a month. The main reason for us to move back to the US and this specific town was the family. Lack of support network has been an awful feeling. Not once has anyone asked “How are you doing?” or “It must be hard to run everything by yourself.” or offered to help since I pretty much stay with the baby 24/7. Not once have I had a day off… Once I was able to go shopping for 3 hours while my son (now 9 months) was babysat by his Grandma. That was the longest time I’ve been apart from him since he was born. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to it’s just that we don’t have anyone to care for him and I am always the primary caregiver. I get sad when I read on facebook how my friends back home write how their parents babysit so they could go and do something. My mother-in-law watches our son, while he is asleep, on average an hour a month.
After living here for almost two years I still have no friends. I stay at home after my son goes down since my husband is at work and I can’t leave the baby by himself. I haven’t seen my parents in two years because we cannot afford to go and see them because investing $1400 per person on flights is a lot of money. I get depressed when my parents say over the phone that they’d love to babysit our son if they just could.
I don’t wanna beg for anyone’s help since no one wants to offer it and don’t even seem to think that life is hard for us. Now our son has been teething the last week or so. Yells hours every night, wakes up at 5am, won’t sleep well during the day and is fussy (to the stage where I hold him for hours) all day. Blah.
I feel ya. We have the same arguments. My husband is only out of the house for maybe 15 hours a week but that is enough to get a break! He doesn’t seem to get that and it’s so frustrating.
Thanks so much for being so honest. I can relate to this post soooooo much! We have no family around (which never bothered us one bit before we had kids!) and I bet we say, “I wish we could call the grandparents for help) at least 3 times a week. And I think that thought about 1,500 times each week.
Kids are blow-your-mind awesome, but they also take you to the very brink of insanity. Their needs are nearly constant, which leaves precious little time for anything else, including dishes, laundry, vacuuming, and oh yeah, YOU time.
I don’t even try to have a good day, anymore. That’s just too many eternities. I shoot for good 15 minute blocks.
Kim, I swear, I could have written this myself! I live in western upstate NY, our entire family lives in NJ (so a 6 hour drive give or take). I only have the one baby right now, but there are days where I feel EXACTLY like this! I actually reached my breaking point last night after being stir crazy and in “winter sadness” mode all winter long. I complain all the time to my husband too and I hate it!
I have to say, it’s not like I revel in your pain your anything, but I am SO glad to hear someone else having these problems. It makes me feel like less of a failure and more of a normal person.
Honestly from time to time I litterally “tap out”. If it’s been a crazy day in spite of wanting to be with the whole family together when my husband comes home I will honeslty tap him twice like a wrestler, hand the kids to him and walk into anothe room, turn on my ipod loudly read a book, play on the computer, or watch a show. It’s the kind of sily agreement we’ve come to. Everyone needs a tap out from time to time. Even if it means putting your kids in bed, putting in some head phones and just letting yourself relax for 20 minutes. you’ll feel guilty but so much better at the same time, it is worth it!
This. So much. I just searched your site to see if you had PPD because I thought you would have good insight and it might help me to read your experiences. This is what I’m feeling. I’m glad I’m not alone, but it still sucks.