[typography font=”Crafty Girls” size=”24″ size_format=”px” color=”#0099ff”]”It’s a boy!” [/typography] the sonographer exclaimed as I lay on a table with globs of cold, clear jelly on my expanding belly.  My husband was relieved.  I was heartbroken.  I already had one boy so I was hoping for that magical equation where baby number two was a girl.  Sure, I lied to everyone who asked and said I would love either.  I’m like everyone else and just assumed the odds would be in my favor for that perfect set of children.  My husband would have our first child to go to races and play video games with; I would have a girl to craft and shop with. By the time my due date came (and went… my second son was 10 days past his due date…. boys) I had come to terms with the gender.  I loved him of course!  He was my baby.  Still, a part of me wasn’t as connected to him during my pregnancy as I had been to Fletcher.  I worried that I would never be able to love him as much as I loved Fletcher.  How could I?  I loved Fletcher an overwhelming amount, I would cry sometimes just thinking about how much I loved him.  I didn’t think I had any more love than that to give.  I wasn’t anxious for him to come, in fact, I enjoyed his tardiness because the later he was the longer I had with my beloved Fletcher.  We cuddled for weeks before my due date because I knew life was changing in a big way. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA Everett entered the world peacefully in the comfort of my bedroom after a quick 4 hours, 45 minutes of labor.  I fell in love all over again and he was instantly as much a part of my family as I or my husband or Fletcher. What everyone said about your heart expanding and your love growing with each child was right.  I didn’t love Fletcher any less than before his brother was born but I loved his new brother just as much.  I had no reason to worry at all!

These days I find myself grateful that life dealt us two boys.  Each day I watch their bond grow stronger and see them both growing into little boys with distinct personalities.  Fletcher is my goofball, my comedian, my social butterfly, my cuddle obsessed young man.  Everett is the “baby,” he is brave and fearless, a little mini-me of his brother, and a sensitive soul.  He also sucks at sharing.  Before Everett came into our lives I knew already that Fletcher was meant to be an older brother- he needed someone as a playmate and partner and he was a nurturing little boy.  It is clear that I was right.  He thrives as a big brother.  Since Everett is no longer a baby he has taken to accosting babies in public to coddle and I catch him helping them in public play areas.  It make my mommy heart proud.  theboyslaughing The older the boys get the closer they become.  I tell my boys that “having a brother is like having a built in best friend for life.” and often remind them to stick together.  I want their friendship to last a lifetime. Lately I’ve noticed that they choose to spend time together, that they miss one another when one is gone, and that they are teaming up to create elaborate games and adventures.  Everett asks when “bro bro” will be home from school.  Fletcher translates his brother’s fragmented words and gestures for us “Mom he SAID he wants a SANDWICH!”   They are concocting obstacle courses from pillows and will hang out in a fort for long stretches of time just laughing about who knows what or playing Angry Birds. Each time I witness them offer up affection unprovoked I can’t help but be in awe of their relationship and kick myself for ever being disappointed in having a second son.   Who decides what makes up a perfect family?  I’m ashamed to admit that I bought into the tripe being fed to me by family and even passing strangers about the baby yet to be born.  Having two boys is the most fun, most amazing, most perfect family I could have.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.


So to anyone reading this right now who might have those same feelings of disappointment over gender, or the fear that you can’t love your second baby as much as you love your first I’m here to tell you that those feelings will pass.   It is magical and powerful and indescribable how much you fall in love all over again when a new baby is born.  It saddens me how often I’ve heard strangers and family push their gender expectations onto pregnant women- if you have done it, even innocently, think again before you say “Oh I just know this baby has to be a boy, you already have two girls!”  It might not sound malicious but you are fueling the hopes a mother might be having, you are putting an expectation on them that is in no way something that have control over, and if that mother ends up with a third girl, you are part of the voice in their head that makes them wonder what is wrong with them?  Why weren’t the odds in their favor?  Every mother deserves to be overjoyed about their pregnancy.  Families are dynamic and not a recipe with the ingredients of “One Mom, One Dad, One Baby Boy, One Baby Girl.”  There is no such thing as a one size fits all perfect family.  There can be your perfect family and that is all that matters.  

Oh, and don’t get me started on the “Are you gonna try for a girl” question…. 

17 Responses

  1. Thank you. I’m almost embarrassed to tell you that I just bookmarked your post, as hubby and I are about to start TTC #2. Our son is amazing, fun, goofy little boy and I’m really hoping for a girl next if I’m being honest. Your post is a great reminder of the awesomeness of all little people and the sweet relationships they form with their parents and each other, regardless (or sometimes because) of their gender.

  2. I am expecting my 9th baby, my 4th with my DH. (first five were with my previous DH) We have DS, DD, DS and DD has been talking non stop about wanting a sister, long before we even considered trying for our 4th together.. I was horribly disappointed on HER behalf that we are expecting a boy! I cried myself to sleep that night, remembering her face over and over when it was announced we have another boy on the way.. Then I felt sorry for myself, that I will never get to have my girls dressed alike for family/holiday pictures, won’t have the joy of the sweet hand-me-downs I saved from my daughter, etc. Then the horrible guilt set in for even being upset about our healthy baby boy. It’s not that I don’t already love him, but I needed time to mourn the little girl in my head that I just lost. It’s 100% normal to feel disappointed, then sad, then guilty! I have lived all around the world and have seen this happen across all sorts of cultures. And just like you learned, you CAN and WILL love the second just as much as the first!

  3. Thank you for posting this. I have a 21 month old boy and we just found out we are having another boy. I was more sick this time then with my first and was showing differently. I also craved sweets and the baby had a high heart rate. Everyone said I was having a girl because of the gender myths. I did have my heart set on a girl. I was a little bummed when we first found out. And then I thought about it. Boys are rambunctious. And my son already loves to wrestle. It will be great when this new little guy gets big enough to wrestle and be rambunctious with his older brother. And now I can talk my husband into having another because every family needs a girl! Haha. Everything happens for a reason, even two perfect boys in a row! Thanks for the reminder!

  4. Thanks for this!! I will be finding out the gender of our 2nd in a few weeks, and I secretly am hoping for a boy (we have a daughter already) for “balance.” And I thought that maybe I wouldn’t love another girl as much as I love my daughter. This post came at the perfect time!

    1. you will. Having 2 girls is also amazing. But regardless, your baby is what your baby is meant to be and will fit right in.

  5. Love your story! I so badly wanted a second boy, to have what you have, built-in friends for life. Even after the sono tech said it was a girl, I secretly thought, maybe it was too early to tell for sure, and she’ll grow a boy part. Ha! I wasn’t shy about wanting another boy, either. I feel bad about it now…guilty. I felt guilty when I was pregnant, thought that maybe by me saying those things, I wouldn’t grow a healthy baby. But she is healthy, beautiful, and she fits right into our family, as if she was here all along! Her brother loves her, checks on her at all times, makes sure she has toys when she’s fussy, and shows her off to everyone. So even though I don’t have what I thought I wanted, I have exactly what I was meant to have. And they will still be built-in friends for life!

  6. this is my life right now. If I hear one more smart remark about trying for a boy I might stab someone.

  7. Agreed! I have 3 boys and am pregnant with #4…also a boy. If I had a quarter for every time someone makes a comment about us trying again for a girl, I would have a lot of money! It’s not that I don’t want a girl, but I love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for anything!

  8. Yes! We have two girls and I have to admit a little disappointment during our first sonogram. But there is something so different about an abstract, blurry, “its a girl” on a computer monitor, and a living, breathing daughter. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now if people would just ask us if we’re going to “try for a boy”…frankly if we have “Maybe Baby #3” I kind of hope its a girl…I’ve got this down (and we don’t need to buy any new clothes!)

  9. When I was pregnant the second time around, one of my uncles told me: “I hope it’s a boy. Same gender couples of sibling always get along and bond better”. I said “you have one of each and they love each other” he replied “he have had to work extra hard. Our friends with two of the same had it much easier”. I don’t know how right or wrong he really is, but I see my big boy starting to take care of his little bro and think that they both have a pal for life. Maybe that’s why I like reading you so much, we both have 2 boys 2 years apart.

  10. Thank you for this. My husband and I have been talking about whether we want another in a few years or not but we both have our hearts set on a little girl (we have a boy) and we are worried about the disappointment we may feel if we were to have another boy. Looking at it from your post, it doesn’t seem bad at all to have 2 boys. I’d love for my little guy to have a brother to play with blocks with him while I’d love a little girl to dress in pretty frilly diapers and clothes. <3

  11. This is lovely, and it annoys me too when people make comments like that. But I get annoyed for another reason also; if you have three girls, the chance of having a boy is still 50%. It is 50% every time, there is no such thing as ‘odds are in my favour’ when it comes to gender

  12. My first is a boy. When I got pregnant with #2 I hoped for another boy; I wanted DS1 to have a brother. My boys are two years apart and are the best of friends. It is so great to see how they look out for each and how great they get along. With baby #3, everyone said, so you hope it’s a girl, right? I would have loved another boy (after all, that’s what I knew!). Both my boys wanted a sister…and, sure enough, they got their wish! Now I get to watch them both be awesome, loving big brothers to their little sister!! Five months in and still getting used to all the pink clothes 🙂

  13. Okay, I’ll be honest. I always dreamed of having two boys. That was my ideal. Now I’m pregnant with my first baby and she is a beautiful girl. Thank you for your encouragement, Kim. I’m thrilled about having a daughter, but it’s something unexpected. For a moment I was disappointed, but now this seems perfect for us.

  14. My boys are 3 and 5. They’re the best of friends and I wouldn’t change a thing about having two boys. I was disappointed when #2, a delivery surprise, came out a boy, but I love the brother relationship they have. That being said, my little girl is 6 months old and I can’t tell you the joy she brings me. I didn’t know that a piece of me was missing until she came along. If she had been a boy so be it, but she wasn’t and she’s mine.

  15. I have two boys (6 years and 9 months) and I love them so much. I also wanted to have a girl as my second child and I was so excited and thrilled when I found out that I was pregnant with a girl when my 1st son was 4. We had planned to have one more and it was the most exciting time, but the unexpected happened. My daughter died during labor when I was 39 weeks ( full term) from compression of the cord they believe, but it is still really unknown. After that we decided to have another child right away, because we really wanted to have a second child. This time I did not find out the gender until birth. He was a healthy beautiful boy. I was hoping that he was a girl the entire pregnancy, but I knew in my heart he was a boy. I would love to have a girl someday, but not sure if we are ready again.

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